Don’t Bother Apologizing

If you have been to therapy or a step program and this becomes redundant to you, I apologize. I’ve not done those and can only speak from personal experience.

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I’ve always thought it best to attempt to mend something that you may have messed up or ruined in the past. Part of growing for me, has been to acknowledge my mistakes and embrace that they were wrong. So that I can understand what I am correcting as to not have to make the same mistake again. I’ve done, or tried to do this many times. And while the thought behind these revelations is pure, the act has become nonsensical to me. I’ll be open and tell you that I have twice ever had a “best friend”. Both relationships ended in pain. The last causing me to never hold anyone as close since. But, as I am not blameless in either of these situations, I’ve since attempted to reach out. One of these friends became a fast enemy of sorts who came in and out of my life at different times. The first fall out was fully and completely her fault. The only blame I will assume in this would be the fact that I trusted her, just as we are supposed to do with one’s we let close to us. But as we later flowed in and out of one another’s lives, my held in anger for that first heartache seeped through into other arguments and I said some horrible things.

Today, once again, upon passing by some old pictures of the two of us, I messaged. I told her that I did not know or understand how hurtful the things were that I had said to her, until I did. I apologized. One thing that I noticed with this “friend” is that, she always had a way of twisting what I communicated into something even worse. It was as if I would give her the words that hadn’t even occurred to her to feel or think, and then say them back to me as if my crime was tenfold. Well once again that is what happened. So I wrote my response to her response. But instead of hitting “send”, I re-read through previous conversations. I saw that every time I reached out to her, I made myself look weak. Not by the act, but by the way that I spoke to her. I often minimized myself in humility and praised her. I thought that I wanted to reconnect for so long. But after reading the way I spoke, I realized how much I have changed.

I am a confident mother, wife, and woman. I am strong and have come too far to allow myself to speak to anyone like that anymore. She is no longer a part of my life for a reason. I saw that not only do I revert back when I talk to her, but that she has not changed in the least. The person I was might have wanted a friendship again out of nostalgia. But I am not that person. Nor do I need to grovel to anyone. I have already apologized for things in my past, and they are behind me. It truly was a waste of time reaching out. But not having done so today, I would never have realized any of this. Yet another thing I noticed in this exchange, is that she could not care less.

The person you are wanting to make amends with has moved on. And though it is normal to remember things, situations, and people every once in a while, you have moved on as well. If said person wanted any kind of contact or reconciliation, they would contact you. If they do not, it is not important enough to them. It truly is as simple as that. I don’t care if you have somewhere in the back of your mind that he/she may be shy, or is confused. But that is all nonsense. If someone truly wanted anything to do with you, they would make it happen.

So, am I saying that reconciliation and closure are a waste of time? Not at all! But similar to what they do in step programs or therapy, only from what I’ve seen on tv and movies, you can do it without involving anyone. These situations rarely leave you feeling as if anything has actually been reconciled or closed. Therefore, I would suggest writing a letter. Now whether you decide to mail that letter out to them or not is completely up to you. I see no harm in a one- sided apology. But you could just trash or burn this letter.

I adamantly condone addressing an issue and healing yourself by writing it down and getting it out of your head. But it should be done strictly for you. You should be able to say exactly what you feel and how you feel or have felt it without fear of how someone may take it. Only then can you truly forgive the person, forgive yourself, and truly heal.